"Good morning Raquel, how was your slumber?"
"How was my what? I have not heard you use that word in reference to sleep before, what has come over you?"
"I can't quite put my finger on it, I do feel different. It may have something to do with all the History channel I have been watching. They use words I have never heard before."
"Everytime I see you watching that damn television, you look as if you are anticipating something. What is it?"
"Now don't take this the wrong way, ok? Every night after I finish watching a war documentary on the History channel I change it to the Food channel and watch Giada DeLorentes cook afabulous Italian meal. To me she is everything a woman should be. Do not worry though, you are the only other woman I feel that way about."
"Do you at least take notes? I would like to see you put your new found love for cooking to use, one of these days."
"I would love to, really I would. The only problem is I am usually listening to Journey with the T.V. on mute. I never really know what she is saying, it is great."
"Oh really? Is that what this is about? Would you like to put me on mute? Is what I have to say not important enough for you?"
"You sure do ask a lot of questions. I can see why you would be upset, but it is much to early though."
"We aren't even married yet and you already bored of me!"
"Married? Who said anything about married? I know I just accused you of asking to many questions, but I promise you these questions are warranted. I never said anything about marriage."
"Then what is all of this? Some kind of sick joke, or am a just a convinient way for you to pass time when you are not at work?"
"Yea about that, I have been meaning to talk to you. I don't technically have a job. That isn't to say I don't make money, you know from my trust fund account."
"Are you telling me you are a liar and a bum? I don't even know this man in front of me."
"You do know you are not required to stay here. In MY house, that I pay the bills for. Well Technically the trust fund pays for, but that is besides the point. Anyhow the door is wide open."
"No, no, no I am sorry I overreacted. I love it here with you. And besides you have a trust fund. That changes everything!"
This is actually about the piece you wrote for your short story in class today. i was very busy during the last two days and hadn't had a chance to write a response to your story and i feel absolutely terrible. I'm so sorry for the disrespect I have shown you for not having my response ready for you in class. so here it is.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all great description of the setting i like when writers take the time to show us where we are i think my story really had that problem. you description of the office was suttle without forcing me into filling the holes in the background. I also enjoyed the pace of your story. every paragraph made a point that was relevent to how the sotry was to develop. i like stories that take a quick pace without missing any of the important set pieces and i think you do that quite nicely. I think Paul's character is believable enough but i would like to see his character develop more. all i can tell from him is that he is an asshole and treats his wife like a child. I understand that this story is going to be from the perspective of Emma. this makes want to have more insight into the history of Paul. is he the Jock who lived in a frat for 4 years and feels untouchable or is he the mid forties loser who finally realised that he actually has good looks and can treat his wife as an expendable commodity that can be replaced by a cute secretary. I really enjoyed his belittling lines toward Emma "I rushed home from the office today, in hopes that I could take my best girl out for a night on the town" He really does treat her like a little girl and that is what asshole men do, NICE CHARACTERIZATION. The last four paragraphs about the asian guy kinda confused me however I think you are trying to keep their relationship in the dark on purpose so i can't see that as a slight against your story. You have me interested in how their relationship will develop, good job. one sentence that i would change is "The same requests for help flowed from his lips each time i was brought to the bar". i would change the word brought to something else because this sentence makes it sound like Emma was brought to the bar by the asian student physically not emotionally. I hope that makes sense.
Your story seems original because i haven't seen any stories about a loner female surviving college so im hooked. can't wait to see what develops.